Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
