She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
