Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
