Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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