Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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