I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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