So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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