I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
