i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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