Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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