Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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