We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
