So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
