Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
