I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
