My friends, they love my intelligence
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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