woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
