you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
