when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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