just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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