I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
