Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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