So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
