He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
