I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
