he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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