In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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