Im at strip club and am horny
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
