You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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