Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Randomize
