trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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