Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
