If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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