I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
