Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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