ugly people sure do ruin things
so let's talk penis.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
