there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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