Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
