i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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