I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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