There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
