this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
