My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
