I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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