Just mADE A PArabola og urine
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
