God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dear god my vagina.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
