How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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