its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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