dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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