i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
