My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
