he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize