Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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