happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
