I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
