Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
