just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
