im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
