I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
