just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I need to sanitize my soul.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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