you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
