We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
